It can be hard to understand when people you care about, and you know care about you, do or say things that leave you feeling hurt, or blamed, or any of a number of undesirable feelings. While this can happen in any relationship (e.g., family, friend), it can be especially confusing in the context of a romantic relationship or marriage. You can be left asking yourself, “Why do people that I care about keep hurting me?”

The answer is often complex, although it usually comes down to the following: they aren’t trying to hurt you.  Regardless, that doesn’t change the fact that you might feel hurt. This article is not aimed at trying to talk you out of feeling hurt because we all feel what we feel. The aim of this article is to offer potentially different ways of making sense of your feelings and others’ actions/words so you do not inadvertently conclude they are trying to hurt you, which can lead to a build-up of resentment and negativity in the relationship.

They must know they are hurting me

When you think of someone that you love as intelligent and caring you might expect that they know, or should know, that certain words/actions will hurt you. However, sometimes they do not know. I am willing to concede that there are some people in the world that are vindictive or intentionally hurtful. This isn’t about those people. If you truly believe you are in a relationship with someone who intentionally sets out to cause you pain, please evaluate the health of that relationship and perhaps leave that relationship to avoid any escalation in hurtful behavior.

This article is about offering a different way of understanding what might be happening if you feel repeatedly hurt in your relationships. This is about sharing potentially useful perspectives so you don’t go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out, “what’s wrong with me?”  This is about alternative ways of viewing others’ words/actions that can allow for successful communication, resolution, or letting go of the hurt.

One of the things I’ve learned from doing therapy work for a long time is that people can get pretty wrapped up in trying to navigate their own fears, insecurities, and family histories. Many couples, while aware of their partner’s history, are surprised to learn how those past experiences continue to impact their lives today. Early experiences often create a lens through which people see the world that can shape their interpretation of interactions. For example, people who are raised by narcissistic parents are often quick to perceive others to blame them and often feel unimportant in relationships. The point I’m making here is that people are often navigating their own complex emotional worlds and aren’t always aware of how they might be impacting yours.

Managing and communicating emotions

As I’ve discussed in other articles, our society generally does a terrible job of teaching us how to effectively manage and express emotions, particularly ‘negative’ or uncomfortable emotions. We struggle to tolerate our own emotions, often seeking ways to numb, suppress, or ignore our feelings. Many people struggle even more to tolerate others’ emotions. A message, sometimes covert and sometimes overt, is that we ‘ought not express negative emotion.’ This is so deeply ingrained in us that when someone is in my office and starts crying (mind you, I’m a trained therapist with lots of facial tissue available), the first thing they say to me is, “I’m sorry.”

A natural consequence of being taught to not express our negative emotion is that we generally do not learn how to effectively express our negative emotion. One of the most common lessons I teach couples who are seeking to learn better communication around feelings is the difference between expressing a thought and a feeling. People often sound as though they are expressing a feeling because they say, “I feel like ___________.” However, saying I feel like _______, is a way to express a thought and not a feeling. For example, someone might say, “I feel like you don’t like me.” While it sounds as though they are expressing a feeling, that is a thought and does not include any expression of actual emotions. Further, that thought is an interpretation of the other person’s behavior. And if the other person does not agree with your interpretation, it sets up a defensive reaction or an argument. Consequently, the very idea or emotion you were trying to express gets lost in the argument. Expressing the same sentiment in emotion language might sound like this: “I often feel unliked when we talk.”

Because most people do not have well-developed skills in expressing their emotions, one explanation for the reason others seem to hurt you is that they are simply doing a very poor job of expressing how they feel. This ineffective expression of emotion can come across as blaming or as a gross misinterpretation of your words/behavior/intention. When we feel blamed or when others ascribe negative intention to our words/actions, it can hurt and leave us thinking that the person we feel very close to doesn’t seem to understand us at all. I am also aware that there are times when people engage in shortsighted or immature behavior that is aimed at trying to make you realize that they themselves are hurting or angry in some way. Not effective to say the least, but not necessarily malicious.

Regardless, other people, even intelligent and thoughtful people, can leave you feeling hurt through ineffective expressions of emotion. Improving your understanding of the difference between expressing a thought and a feeling can put you in a better position to understand others. In this case, you might be able to “translate” others’ ineffective communication or poor expression of emotion, so you don’t continually feel hurt and start to question your own worth.

Hurt by omission rather than commission

Sometimes we feel hurt by what people don’t do rather than by what they have done. A common issue is that many people struggle to know how or when to offer validation or comfort to others.  Most of us desire to seek emotional support from our romantic partner. Seeking emotional support and then finding that support is absent or lacking can leave you feeling hurt. However, the person from whom you are seeking support might not be intentionally withholding or trying to hurt you.

There can be many reasons that people struggle to offer validation or comfort. Perhaps they did not receive (much of) it when they were growing up. Perhaps they were given lessons to “toughen up” or “don’t be a baby.” Or perhaps previous attempts to offer comfort or validation were thwarted in family of origin relationships or in previous romantic relationships. Some people are so unfamiliar with positive emotional connections that they can hardly bring themselves to even consider offering comfort or validation in a genuine way.

Still others carry the idea that offering comfort or validation is evidence that they are “wrong” or that they are responsible for the other person’s difficult feelings. Foreign to them is the idea that they can offer comfort and validation even when they did not cause the hurt or pain. Perhaps they see only children as needing comfort. Perhaps they see only those with whom they agree as deserving of validation. Perhaps they simply don’t agree with or understand the reasons you are hurting so they don’t see validation or comfort as warranted. Unfortunately, I’ve heard too many parents say things like, “You had better stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.”

These hurts by omission are hurtful nonetheless but might not be evidence that something is wrong with you or that someone is trying to hurt you. It might not even be evidence that something is wrong with them. I believe that one key to successful long-term relationships is to learn how to be a good partner to your partner. I might be a “10” on paper, but if I don’t know how to meet my partner’s needs, I am not a good partner for them…yet.

Hopefully you have a partner who is willing to learn how to be the best partner they can be to you and for you (and vice versa). This is where some of the hard work of creating a healthy long-term relationship can come into play. Unfortunately, some people do not even know what they find comforting or how to identify what they need, so if you and your partner are experiencing a lack of validation or comfort between you, do not hesitate to reach out to a therapist who can help you learn how to show up for each other in these ways.

Hurt by habit

Early childhood experiences, observations of poor relationship models, and unresolved relationship wounds can create patterns whereby some of us are so used to being hurt that we see most interactions with others as hurtful, almost as a habitual experience. When this is the case, we can be so used to being hurt that even interactions that involve positive intentions from others can be assumed to be negative and hurtful.

As one potential example, imagine that I struggle to feel good about my body. Perhaps I was bullied for being overweight growing up or maybe I came from a long line of husky genetics. One day my partner comes home and says, “I read about one of those super foods that is supposed to increase metabolism and help you lose weight.” Now, while this may have been a genuinely thoughtful and loving idea from my partner, given the habitual nature of the bullying and poor self-concept, I might take this as a veiled dig at me and my body.

Of course, this is one example in a vast sea of possible reasons that we might habitually feel hurt in close relationships. In this case, much of the work to resolve the hurt will need to happen on your end. Learning what habitual hurts might be based on might offer guidance on how to overcome them. Also, recognizing any potential benefits that you might get from feeling hurt. For example, perhaps feeling hurt and expressing that feeling has resulted in people giving you attention or offering positive strokes to you in the past. Again, if you struggle to understand where such patterns might come from or how to overcome them, do not hesitate to reach out for support from a therapist.

In summary, while this is not an exhaustive list or set of examples, I’ve shared several possible explanations for why you might feel hurt in relationships. Some of these reasons might require some adjustments on their end. Some might require adjustment on your end. And some might require you to work together to figure out how to adjust together for the sake of the relationship. Remember, if you truly believe that someone is intentionally trying to hurt you repeatedly, that relationship might not be a good one for you. However, if you feel hurt repeatedly in a relationship that you believe is otherwise healthy, consider viewing those hurtful experiences from the perspectives I’ve offered above. Communicate effectively about how you feel and be open to the other person’s perspective. These strategies won’t necessarily prevent all future hurt feelings, although they might give you another understanding that can prevent unnecessary resentment or damage.

Dr. Mike Ghali, owner of Individual and Couples Therapy, has been practicing therapy for over 20 years. While physically located in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where he holds in-person sessions, you can also schedule virtual sessions with Dr. Mike from any state that has enacted PSYPACT legislation. Learn more in the FAQs.

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