If it seems like you can hardly make it through a week, or even a day, without your partner getting mad at you, you are not alone. As a couples therapist, I work with people on a daily basis who struggle to get along or make it through difficult conversations. Anger can show up out of nowhere and talking about daily stressors can feel unsafe. Both partners start to perceive that they have to walk on eggshells. They wonder how to feel close again and even after trying some of the typical strategies to create closeness, they continue to drift apart.

Is my partner going to leave me?

What might be happening is what I call the volley of emotional reactions. Much like ping pong, the “volley of emotional reactions” represents a back and forth of emotional escalation between partners. It begins when one person (let’s call them partner A) has an emotional reaction to something. It could be something that partner B said, a look from partner B that was interpreted in a negative way, or simply partner B being in a bad mood. Partner A has an emotional reaction and then partner B has an emotional reaction to partner A’s emotional reaction and now the volleying has begun.

Eventually, one of the reactions by one or both partners is expressed as anger.

Many people are already aware of the idea that anger is a secondary emotion. In fact, I have discussed this concept in a previous blog. However, the idea that anger is a lazy emotion might be a new one to you. Anger is often a cluster of negative emotions made up of several primary or underlying emotions that we call anger. Thus, I say anger is a “lazy” emotion because many times people express anger rather than taking the time, energy, or effort to tease apart all of the component emotions that cluster together to form what we call anger.

Unfortunately, anger is seen as a more acceptable emotion to express or display in our society. This is possibly because anger is seen more as a sign of strength than other emotions, which are often seen as a sign of weakness or vulnerability. This could also be a remnant of strong patriarchal roots that tends to define characteristically female traits as weakness. While I do not agree and think acknowledging other emotions is actually a sign of strength, and honoring feminine energy is vital, the message that emotions can be a sign of weakness persists.

Why do we escalate?

Which leads back to the “volley of emotional reactions.” People often have difficulty tolerating uncomfortable or unwanted emotions, both within themselves and emotions they perceive to be present in others. Generally speaking, people do not want their partner to feel emotions like hurt, sadness, disappointment, frustration, etc. And rather than tolerating, working to understand and validate their partner’s feelings, people would rather others simply not feel those emotions. So, when their partner expresses or shows that they are feeling something difficult, people can sometimes (or often) have a strong negative reaction to the feelings they perceive (accurately or not) in their partner.

Of course, now their partner is likely to feel unheard, unseen, dismissed, blamed, or something else, and perceives their partner to be irritated and aggravated, and the volley goes on. The intensity of each volley increases until eventually anger is expressed. The reason why your partner’s anger seems to come out of nowhere might be because there was not a conflict or confrontation to begin with, simply a human being experiencing an emotion, as human beings tend to do.

Not experiencing emotions is typically not an option, so we need to find other ways to deal with the volley of emotions. Awareness is often a great first step, so perhaps sharing this article and discussing it with your partner to see if any of it resonates might be helpful.

Another potential step is to work to increase your emotional tolerance. While both of you working to do this simultaneously is ideal, you have the most influence on yourself and your reactions. Increasing emotional tolerance means learning how to experience emotions without giving into the urge to react to those emotions; kind of like learning how to notice an itch without immediately scratching it. It also means learning how to observe emotions in your partner without giving into the urge to react to their emotions. And while you might not be able to stop, change, or influence the emotions you and your partner experience, you can interrupt the cycle and stop the volley of emotional reactions.

It is not always easy to tolerate difficult emotions. And, if you have a history of abuse or trauma it might even be more difficult than it is for the average person. However, you can learn to manage your response to emotional upset so that you stop the volley of emotional reactions and turn down the overall temperature in the relationship. Stay tuned for a more in-depth discussion of strategies for tolerating emotion. In the meantime, remember that the emotions you experience will always dissipate or go away, but the words you say or actions you exhibit can have a lasting impact on other people and on your relationships.

Dr. Mike Ghali, owner of Individual and Couples Therapy, has been practicing therapy for over 20 years. While physically located in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where he holds in-person sessions, you can also schedule virtual sessions with Dr. Mike from any state that has enacted PSYPACT legislation. Learn more in the FAQs.

If you’d like to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call INC Therapy, please click Schedule Free Phone Consultation at the top of the page. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact Dr. Mike at info@inctherapy.org. Please do not include sensitive clinical information in emails.

If you are looking for a presenter for a training or event, please visit www.drmiketalkspsych.com.